According to the Child Information Gateway, over 100,000 children are adopted each year. The latest statistic is for 2001 when 127,000 children were adopted in the United States. Many children put up for adoption are born into homes where they have been abused or neglected. The abuse may be physical and/or sexual. They are neglected by not being cared for in terms of mental and physical health. They may not be fed, clothed, or sent to school. They also may suffer from poor hygiene. Children thrive when they have positive attachments with adults and they tend to have emotional problems when they have little or no bonding. They may develop Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

According to The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, the symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder are markedly disturbed and developmentally inappropriate social relatedness in most contexts, beginning before the age of five years, as evidenced by either of the following: (1) persistent failure to initiate or respond in a developmentally appropriate fashion to most social interactions, as manifest by excessively inhibited, hypervigilant, or highly ambivalent and contradictory responses (e.g., the child may respond to caregivers with a mixture of approach, avoidance, and resistance to comforting, or may exhibit frozen watchfulness); or (2) diffuse attachments as manifest by indiscriminate sociability with marked inability to exhibit appropriate selective attachments (e.g., excessive familiarity with relative strangers or lack of selectivity in choice of attachment figures). This is caused by: persistent disregard of the child’s basic emotional needs for comfort, stimulation, and affection; persistent disregard of the child’s basic physical needs; or repeated changes of a primary caregiver that prevent formation of stable attachments (e.g., frequent changes in foster care).

Reactive Attachment Disorders can vary in terms of their severity. The symptoms outlined above may occur frequently or only in specific circumstances. In other words, not every child who comes from these highly dysfunctional families has the same demeanor or demonstrates similar behavior.

Many adoptive parents are ill-equipped to deal with children suffering from Reactive Attachment Disorder. Many parents may not receive adequate information from adoption agencies as to how difficult it will be to successfully raise these kids. They also do not receive training on how to deal with issues experienced by kids who have trouble bonding with others.

Some of these children, due to the level of abuse and/or neglect they have suffered, develop a wall that does not allow others to get close because they learned not to trust anyone based on their horrible experiences with adults. They appear to be particularly guarded and may not show a lot of emotion.

The adoptive parents often become heartbroken because their children don’t seem to appreciate all the good things they do for them. These kids seem oblivious to kindness and warmth. They either loathe or barely tolerate affection. They have problems with being touched. It is not unusual for parents to feel rejected by their adopted children, which in turn brings up issues of abandonment for both parents and children.

Children with RAD may also have behavior problems and difficulty respecting authority. They can be excessively demanding and/or clingy. They may have problems with peer relationships and engage in self-destructive behavior.

However there is hope. Once parents accept and overcome the guilt of having a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, they can focus on:

• Not taking their kids’ emotional reactions or non-actions personally. Of course this is a very difficult course to follow for anyone. Mistakes will be made and you will learn the best approaches through trial and error.

• Model what close attachments are for your children. Show affection with your partner. When you and your partner have a fight, demonstrate the process of working through conflicts for your children.

• Stay as consistent as possible. Set appropriate boundaries and limits.

• Remember that the child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is wounded and naturally distrustful of adults. This distrust has been ingrained as a survival skill and now needs to be unlearned.

• Try not to lose your cool and have angry outbursts towards your child. This will only reinforce her sense of distrust.

• Repeated experiences of being nurturing, kind, and forgiving are essential to heal this child’s wounds.

• Obtaining a psychotherapist to work with you and your child is necessary.

• Locating a parent support group for RAD will also be helpful.