‘Tis the season to be jolly and exhausted. Just prior to the holiday break, my wife and I find ourselves pulling our hair out. (She’s pulling hers and I am imagining what it would be like.) This is the time of year where soccer is ending, school concerts are scheduled and our daughter performs in a dance production. We try to make it to all of the events on top of going to work and visiting family and friends. It is supposed to be a time of giving thanks and reflecting on what we have but it tends to end up being more of a roller coaster ride. All we can think about is, “When will this JOY end!”

I am sure that the stress parents feel affects their children as many of the kids I see during the holidays are extremely stressed. This is the time for finals and school project deadlines. With all of the extracurricular events and the increasing pressure of school it is not a relaxing time of year, especially for teens.

Children show stress differently depending on their personality and their age. Many young children become more emotional and clingy. Teens often become quiet and withdrawn. Keeping open lines of communication may be difficult but it is important. Asking what is bothering a 16-year-old may result in a very insightful response like, “NOTHING.” To avoid this you may simply state, “It seems like something is bothering you.” Open questions may help start a conversation. You may still get the same response, “Nothing is bothering me!,” but this lets themknow that you have concern for them.

Stress often leads to physical complaints especially with teens. These complaints tend to be very vague like abdominal pain or fatigue. After going through a hundred questions and a normal exam I will then ask how things are at school. “Fine” tends to be the answer. After a little more probing I find that there is bullying, trouble with grades or family problems. It often takes multiple questions to get to the heart of the problem, but with time I can find out what is going on. I try to reassure the child and their parents that this is very common. I always suggest going to our counselors or visiting with one at school. Many are reluctant to do this but I try to get them to commit to at least one visit. Having someone outside of the family to speak with often cures a chronic headache or belly pain.

If you can continue to have dinner as a family, it may force some conversation and allow children to vent their frustrations. Often just talking about the problems relieves the stress. Exercise, like family walks, not only is good for the body but is also good for the soul. It releases natural antidepressants and removes us from the constant bombardment of our electronic world. Try to leave the cell phones, ipods and radios at home. Give your brain a little quiet time.

Over the last two years we have had some tragic incidents with teens in our community. Many of these children are a parent’s dream. They are very involved in school, get excellent grades and are in multiple advanced classes. Many high achievers are the students who feel the mostpressure. It seems that if a child doesn’t leave high school with enough college credits to enter as a junior they are somewhat of a failure. If your child is consistently staying up until 2am to finish homework, rethink what she is doing. I entered college as a freshman with zero collegecredits and still did ok.

Families who have gone through a divorce have even more stress. It is difficult enough to schedule family gatherings; add a whole new set of relatives and extended family, and talk about stress. As one parent pointed out, when you remarry after a divorce, you soon realize you’ve become part of another dysfunctional group! There is not much you can do to improve this situation. But simply realizing that this is a real issue may allow some of the frustration and stress to be diminished.

Tough economic times, the Bay Area pace of life and over-scheduling make the holiday season very difficult. Take time to talk to your kids or at least be there to listen. Schedule some quiet time and try to take some family walks. The roller coaster ride will eventually come to an end. Pray for summer.

by Jason Clark, M.D. who has been a pediatrician at Kaiser Permanente in Redwood City since 2000. When not working he enjoys fishing, skiing and spending time with his wife and two children.