“Mom, can you buy that jacket for me? I need it.” “Dad, I’m out of allowance and my friends are going to the movies. Can you give me some more money?”

How will we know when we have given enough in this more-is-better world? Will we know when to say yes and when to say no to our children and how to set limits? Studies reveal strong links between overindulgence in childhood and lack of important life-skills and unhelpfulattitudes and beliefs in later life. Understanding what overindulgence looks like and avoiding it is important for our children’s future well-being.

In How Much Is Enough, the authors explore how to stay clear of overindulgence and raise likeable, responsible and respectful children. (Jean Illsley Clark, Ph.D., Connie Dawson, Ph.D., David Bredehoft, Ph.D., 2004) Their book is based on three research studies on overindulgenceinvolving 1,195 parents who were indulged as children.

In the research, the participants gave the authors the following descriptions of overindulgence.

“Overindulging children is giving them too much of what looks good, too soon and for too long……Overindulgence is doing or having so much of something that it does active harm, or at least prevents a person from developing and deprives that person of achieving his or her full potential. ….Overindulgence is a form of child neglect. It hinders children from performing their needed developmental tasks and from learning necessary life lessons.” (Page xvii.)

The research revealed that there are three different types of overindulgence. The first is “too much” and not understanding the concept of “enough.” The second is “over-nurturing.” The third is “soft-structure,” which is when parents do not have rules or don’t insist rules be followed and therefore take away opportunities for children to learn life lessons.

At this point you may have a queasy feeling in your stomach and be thinking, “I do some of those. I must be overindulging. What do I do to stop?” First, know that overindulgence comes from a good heart and is unintentional. It can happen by any family member and it can happen to any child. Occasional overindulgence happens to most parents. If it becomes a chronic pattern, then the harm occurs.

It is common for parents to give too much as a token of love. The research showed, though, that only 48% of the overindulged adults felt loved as a response to overindulgence. Other childhood feelings included confusion, embarrassment, guilt and feeling bad or sad. Some of the adults confused getting with being. “I am if I get.” One participant reported, “I have to get in order to be sure I am alive.”

The good news is that overindulgence is identifiable and can be changed. The first step is to understand what overindulging parents do and say. Let’s focus on the overindulgence of “too much.” The authors’ research indicates that children who experience receiving too much usually do not know what is enough, disrespect others and property and believe and act as if they are the center of the universe. Five areas of receiving too much were identified:

1. Lots of toys

2. Any clothes asked for

3. Scheduled activities, lessons, sports, camps

4. Lots of privileges

5. Constantly entertained

To avoid giving your children too much, realize that you and your children need to learn what “enough” is. Jean Illsley Clark, Ph.D., instructs us to understand what enough is by putting it on a continuum ranging from too little to too much. “Too little” is insufficiency. “Enough” is sufficiency. Occasional indulgence is part of “Abundance.” “Too Much” indicates overindulgence. Learning “enough” is a slow journey from infancy.

Here are some statements that teach what “enough” is. Make sure you are using “enough” statements with yourself and your children.

• “One treat for each person is enough today.”

• “You’ve stayed up late enough. It’s time to go to sleep.”

• “You’ve watched enough TV today. You need to find something else to do.”

• “You have enough shoes for now. I’ll buy more when you outgrow these.”

• “You’ve had enough sleepovers this month. I need a quiet weekend.”

Frustration is a common emotion of children who want more. By setting “enough” limits, listening to their frustration and knowing they can handle discomfort, you are helping them learn delayed gratification. “Knowing what is enough supports good health; it protects other people and the environment; and it can be a bulwark against greed and unethical behavior.” (How Much Is Enough?, page 83. Clarke, Dawson, Bredehoft)