It is a truth universally acknowledged that courtship in our society has become ill-bred, impolite and, frankly, coarse. Sometimes we like to imagine ourselves in a time in which the customs were formal and the manners refined. We speak specifically here of the 1800s, a time when our motivations were more wholesome than they are now. These fascinations with a time long gone have often led us astray; we dwell too frequently on the idea of the past, and not so much the truth of it. If we could look to the past for guidance in going about a courtship, we may find a balance between the two extremes of the past and present.

It was all about respect in the former era, something that we’re lacking now. Formalities were the religion, a strict code that had to be followed by both parties if the relationship were to be successful. A man had to go through the girl’s father before he could ensure that his efforts were not in vain. In addition, the lady had to be demure and respectable to earn the acceptance of the gentleman and his family. These efforts to gain respect of the counterpart and their friends and family were imperative, and only then would the relationship be accepted. Furthermore, the woman was seen as a sacred jewel, meant to be respected and admired from afar. Physical contact was limited, and what did occur, such as a kiss on the hand, was an amazing moment in the relationship. Public affection was unnecessary.

Both partners were already assured of the other’s fondness due to their own private affairs, so there was no need to flaunt the other person to others in order to prove their affection. Love was never taken for granted, never trifled with, and always held to the highest esteem.

Courtship is now startlingly different; formalities have been stripped away, and individuals are responsible for the decision of whom and how they date. This practice has been further revolutionized by the introduction of teens and young adults into the dating system. To many adolescents, dating is a game, nothing more than a source of enjoyment. The process of he-said-that-she-said-that-he-said-she-likes-you interests our modern youth more so than the act of being in a relationship itself. These relationships are rarely taken seriously; it’s okay to break up after a week of a declared affiliation. In fact, if a relationship is taken too seriously, it’s pretty much a joke among one’s peers. All too often, inexperienced teens fall into the “I know she’s the one! I know I may only be fifteen years old, but there’s no doubt in my mind that this girl who I’ve known for two weeks is the woman I’m going to marry!” trap, without realizing that what they feel is as fleeting as their attention span. Physical contact is the name of the game, and without it the substance of the relationship might have to become, Lord forbid, intellectual. Pushing, shoving, hugging, kissing, touching, and feeling have become the symbol of a good relationship, when in fact it’s only a façade covering a decaying foundation.

Although the idea of an 1800’s relationship seems ideal, there is a reason why most of the customs have changed to what they are today. Relationships were created based often upon wealth and reputation, hardly ever on affection. They were formed as a matter of survival and if it didn’t work out, it was a waste of time when one could have been searching for the one to finally settle with. As Jane Austen put it, “Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance.” Jumping into something as serious as marriage so soon left no room for error. If one were to fall into a relationship, it was the expectation that it would lead to an engagement. Now, kids have time to make mistakes and determine what kind of person will be the ideal mate without having to make such a permanent decision, a decision that might be regretted.

We all need to take a step back and consider the courting situation that we have adopted. We’ve become too frivolous toward something that should be cautiously dealt with. We should bring back the respect and formality that were employed in the past and combine them with the best of the experimental nature of our dating process today.